


I Have You (For Now)

by paranoid_parallax



Series: vld vent fics [4]
Category: Voltron: Legendary Defender
Genre: Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Chronic Illness, Cuddling & Snuggling, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, M/M, Muscular dystrophy, Pre-Kerberos Mission, Protective Adam (Voltron), Shiro (Voltron)-centric, Suicidal Thoughts
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-12-30
Updated: 2019-12-30
Packaged: 2021-02-27 03:54:07
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,150
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22030609
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/paranoid_parallax/pseuds/paranoid_parallax
Summary: Shiro's muscular dystrophy is progressing more quickly than expected, already beginning to show limiting cardiovascular effects, and he blames himself for not doing enough to keep it at bay. Adam does his best to comfort him, but both of them are saddened and afraid at the knowledge of what will ultimately happen sooner than they had thought.
Relationships: Adam/Shiro (Voltron)
Series: vld vent fics [4]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1567141
Comments: 2
Kudos: 33





	I Have You (For Now)

“Takashi? What’s wrong?” Adam’s soft voice startled Shiro out of his thoughts, and he made a hasty effort to wipe away the tears as he sat up on his bed.

“Nothing!” he replied a little too quickly, false cheer more obvious than usual. “I’m fine—” Despite his attempts to control it, his voice broke off into a faint sob.

Adam didn’t call him on the lie, but wasn’t having it either. “Do you want to talk about it?” Stepping into the room and closing the door behind him, he took a seat beside Shiro on the bed.

“It’s nothing.”

“You’re crying.” Looking worried, Adam put his arms gently around his boyfriend, running a hand soothingly through his hair. “Hey, you can talk to me, you know? I’m always here for you.”

“It’s stupid,” Shiro finally replied, voice slightly muffled.

“It’s not stupid if you’re upset about it.” Adam pulled back a little to let him talk.

Shiro stared at the floor, looking too ashamed to meet his boyfriend’s eyes. “It doesn’t matter. There’s nothing anyone can do, and it’s my fault anyway.”

“I doubt it’s your fault.” Picking up on the familiar _nothing anyone can do_ , he added, “Is it something to do with your condition?”

The answer was barely audible. “Yeah.”

“Then it isn’t your fault.”

“It is. I’m not doing enough to keep it at bay. I’m trying, but it’s not enough to slow it down and—” He had to pause for a moment to fight the tears struggling to spill over again. “And I just— I’m so tired. I’m trying and it isn’t working, it isn’t _enough_ , it’s _never_ enough— and I can’t do this anymore, I can’t—” Stifling a sob, he gave up on talking for the moment.

“Did something happen today?”

Shiro didn’t trust himself to speak without breaking down.

“You don’t have to talk about it if you don’t want to.”

Part of him wanted to be able to tell someone, but he was sick of burdening Adam with his problems.

“It’s okay if you just need to cry, too. Don’t feel weird about it— it’s just me.” His affectionate smile was tinged faintly with concern. “You don’t have to bottle everything up all the time, you know. It’s okay to be vulnerable.”

And Shiro let go.

He wasn’t sure how long they stayed like that, Adam holding him close while he cried, murmuring words of comfort and rubbing his back calmingly. “That’s it, let it out. It’s gonna be okay, baby. I’m here. I’ve got you.”

Eventually, the tears subsided, and Shiro pulled away, unable to meet Adam’s eyes as the shame returned.

He was supposed to be strong. He was supposed to be handling this well. Most of all, he was _not_ supposed to be ruining his boyfriend’s life just because his stupid fucking body couldn’t ever seem to work properly. He was not going to be a burden, or a pity case, or whatever else he feared becoming as his muscular dystrophy progressed and ultimately became disabling or even life-threatening. This didn’t have to make him helpless. It _didn’t_.

But somehow, lately, it always did.

It was just so hard to swallow the idea of being sick _for the rest of his life_. To accept a slow and painful early death sentence when he was only eighteen— sixteen when he’d first been diagnosed. In the past couple of years, things had progressed fairly quickly, and he’d already practically forgotten what it felt like to be healthy and have a body that worked for instead of against him. Of course, that didn’t mean he had to dwell on it, he told himself. Didn’t mean he had to complain or feel sorry for himself; it was just luck of the draw, and besides, there were plenty of people who had it worse.

But _still_.

“It’s not fair,” he croaked suddenly.

“I know.”

“I’m so tired of living like this. I can’t keep doing this forever.”

“I know, baby.” Adam took his hands, squeezing them gently. The gesture was a slight comfort, but at the same time, it made him feel worse. His boyfriend did so much for him, and had his own problems to deal with too, and here Shiro was being too useless to keep his body in line and too fragile to keep it to himself. “I know it’s hard. But hey, science is always progressing— they might find a cure for this in your lifetime, or at least a better treatment.”

“Yeah, right.” Shiro knew Adam meant well, but he was sick of hearing things to that effect when he knew they weren’t true. “No one cares about this shit— it’s rare, less than one percent of the population, and it doesn’t even kill you that quickly. They have far more important things to worry about than muscular dystrophy.”

“It’s still important, even if it’s rare,” Adam said firmly. “You shouldn’t have to go through this.”

“Well, I do.”

“Maybe not forever.”

“You know that’s a lie.”

“It’s not a _lie_.” He hesitated. “Maybe it is a little optimistic, huh?”

Shiro snorted. “A little.”

“I mean, it could happen. Not, like, some miracle cure, but I really do think they’ll find better treatments for you eventually.”

“Hardly seems worth the wait.”

After the words left his mouth, Shiro wished he could take them back. He hadn’t meant for that to slip out, and Adam’s shocked, worried expression made it clear that the implications hadn’t escaped him. “Takashi…”

“It’s okay. I’m not going to _do_ anything. I just…”

“You wish you could?” He sounded so sad.

“I wish I could have a body that functions properly, but I fucking don’t, so… I don’t know. I’m sorry.”

“No, _I’m_ sorry. I didn’t know it was— I didn’t know you were feeling this way.”

“It’s okay. I promise I won’t kill myself.”

Adam flinched at his blunt statement of the thing they’d been dancing around.

“I’m sorry.”

“Don’t apologize. It’s not your fault. At all.”

“I just have… thoughts sometimes. That’s it.”

“Have you ever… hurt yourself?”

“No, I can’t. The doctors would see it, I’m constantly getting examined for something or other.”

“But you would, if not for that?”

“It’s fine. I can’t, so—”

“Takashi, it’s not _fine_! You’re suicidal!”

“Only occasionally! It’s not constant. It’s not a big deal, I think you’re misunderstanding how bad it is, it’s really not—”

“It is a big deal!”

“Well, how else am I supposed to feel about this?”

“I don’t know. I just didn’t realize…” Adam shook his head. “You should tell someone, you know. You might need therapy.”

“Are you kidding? Give them _another_ reason to try to keep me on the ground?”

“Your health is more important than any mission!”

“This won’t help! It’s not anything meds or talking can fix, it’s just an inevitable feeling from knowing what the rest of my life is going to look like. It could be a lot worse.” Shiro sighed. “Hey.” He managed a smile. “I promise you, I have enough keeping me alive. I mean, I have you, don’t I? And I have the Kerberos mission to look forward to. I’m not going anywhere for a while yet.”

“Right.” Some brief conflicted expression flickered across Adam’s face, but he covered it quickly.

“I love you.”

“I love you too.”

They stayed there in silence for a while, huddled together as each tried to work through their own racing thoughts. They were so close, and yet so separate underneath it.

Both so alone.

Adam spoke first. “Hey, Takashi?”

“Yeah?”

“So, I think you said something happened earlier that kinda set this off, right?”

Shiro nodded.

“Do you want to talk about it?”

“It’s nothing important. It’s just… I don’t know. It’s dumb.”

“I doubt that.”

There was a brief pause.

“Okay,” Shiro conceded finally. He paused for another moment, taking a deep breath before continuing. “I mean, I was just at the gym earlier and I was having a really bad off day, like abnormally bad, and I kept feeling like I was going to pass out and everything kept cramping and my heart was just _pounding_ and I was getting these sharp chest pains… basically, all cardiovascular stuff.” He sighed, trying to blink away the tears collecting in his eyes again. “Last time I went to the doctor, I— I found out that my heart’s already starting to weaken. ’Cause, you know, it’s a muscle… I mean, I knew that was probably going to be how I died eventually, but I thought it would be a lot longer before I started—” his voice broke— “started seeing any effects of that— I—” Words dissolving into shaky sobs, he clung to his boyfriend like a lifeline.

Adam was crying too. “Why didn’t you tell me?”

“I didn’t want you to worry.”

“How—” Adam stifled a sob, struggling to compose himself. “How long do you have?”

“Oh. It’s not like that, exactly.”

“It’s not?” He sounded hopeful.

“No, they’ve got me on some new medication, and like with most of it, exercise and stuff helps, and there’ll be other treatments they can try as it progresses… It’s starting sooner than we thought, but I still have years left. Maybe up to a couple decades, if I’m lucky— though not all of that time will exactly be pleasant.”

Adam took a shaky breath, making an effort to wipe away the last visible traces of _I’m going to lose you_ -level sadness from his face for Shiro’s benefit. It could be worse.

It was still horrible, but they had to put that aside for the time being.

“How are you feeling right now?” he asked finally.

“Not great,” Shiro admitted.

“How so?”

“My chest hurts, and I feel really cold for no real reason, and I just feel so fatigued, also for no reason.” He laughed more harshly than he’d meant to. “Sorry. It’s weird.”

Adam thought for a moment. “Okay. Give me a moment.” He brought Shiro the warmest blanket he could find. “Here, I don’t know if this will help with the cold feeling or not, but might be worth a try.”

“Thank you.” Shiro wrapped the blanket tightly around himself, snuggling into the puffy warmth.

“I think it might be good to take a nap, okay?”

He looked hesitant.

“Is something wrong, baby?”

“No! No, I’m fine.”

“You don’t have to, obviously. Just, if you’re tired, it might be good, I don’t know.”

“Can you stay with me?” he asked quietly, not meeting Adam’s eyes.

“Of course! Why wouldn’t I?”

“Because you probably have things to do, and you don’t need to waste time putting me to bed like I’m completely helpless?”

“But you want me here. And I’m happy to stay.” Turning off the lights, he got into bed beside his boyfriend, pulling the more lightweight current covers over both himself and comforter-wrapped Shiro and cuddling with him.

There was silence for a minute or so.

“I hate feeling so pathetic,” Shiro said suddenly.

“You aren’t.”

He laughed humorlessly. “You should’ve seen me at the gym today. I looked like such an idiot— I could barely do anything I’m normally able to, and I left at _most_ half an hour after I got there. I can’t believe I let people see me like that.”

“No one knows what might be going on in your life. If they’re judging you for an off day, then that’s their problem. It’s not your fault you have muscular dystrophy.”

“It’s my fault I’m not doing enough to keep it under control.”

“Takashi, you’re doing everything you can. It’s not entirely dependent on what you do, or you wouldn’t even have this in the first place, okay? Stop blaming yourself. I see how hard you work, and I can’t imagine what it’s like having to deal with this on top of everything, but it’s _not your fault_.”

“It feels like it is.”

“I promise you it isn’t.” He pressed a kiss to Shiro’s forehead, holding him close. “None of this is your fault. You haven’t done anything to cause it or deserve it. It’s so unfair, and I’m so sorry.”

“I’m sorry for making you—”

“Shhh. You aren’t making me do anything. I want to help you because I love you.”

“I love you too.” Blanket-wrapped Shiro was curled up against him, snuggling as close as possible.

“Wanna try to get some sleep now?” he asked gently. “Since you’re tired and your chest hurts and everything? I know exercise can help your heart, but you also need rest, especially when you’re feeling so sick. It’s okay to take a break.”

He sighed. “Okay.”

Truly exhausted, Shiro drifted off within minutes, and it wasn’t long before Adam joined him. A difficult road lay ahead of them, but if only for a few hours, they could forget it existed and just _rest_.


End file.
